OK...I knew this was inevitable. Knew this day would come. Had NO idea I'd react this way.
I've been online looking at preschools for my four year old.
And I'm pretty sure I'm dying.
Dying, I tell you.
Mark and I have talked about this for a long while now. Parker is four years old; he's been at home all this time; he'll start Kindergarten when he's five or six (he has a June birthday, so I'm more concerned with his maturity level rather than his actual age to determine when he'll start "real" school); he needs to be around kids his age and size; he needs to learn to interact under a set of rules different from mine; blah blah blah. So I devoted some time this morning to research preschools in my area. I plugged information in a Google search and different schools popped up and BAM! Major freakin' anxiety attack, man! My heart started pounding, my stomach felt sick, my breathing increased, my thoughts raced, my eyes stung with tears.
Seriously???
I called my husband for reassurance. He reiterated all the things I mentioned above; how we agreed now's the time; how this will be good for him; how this will be good for me too; how he says all the time that he wants to go school; blah blah blah.
He also said, "...and you've been with him since the day he was born..."
Not helping, dude. Nice try, though.
I had no trouble sending my oldest to preschool. I was a teacher there, and his classroom was right next door to mine. I could feel pretty good about that. Sending him to public school Kindergarten was no problem either. We live in a small town that has an excellent primary school, and he had a wonderful experience there. But when Parker came along, I quit working altogether so that I could stay at home with my boys. I have cherished this time more than I can put into words. Here go the waterworks again. Anyway...
Maybe my anxiety comes from Parker being my last child -- my baby. Maybe it's because this house will be too quiet without one or both of my boys in it. Maybe it's that I'm scared to be by myself, even for a few hours a day. Maybe there's things I don't want to own up to that I dare not address here. Maybe I like making excuses.
It will all turn out to be a good thing though, won't it -- sending Parker to preschool? Mark said if he had a hard time or flat out didn't like it, then we could always take him out. And I only want something for half a day, maybe even only a couple of days a week. This is doable. I can handle this. Inhale. Exhale.
